i see myself in the mirror and i feel a sense of sorrow and despair.
i guess things just somehow don't pan out the way they are supposed to ever, and i can't say life has treated me overly unkindly.

--
i could be taller, darker. less pimples definitely.
more controllable hair. trimmer gut. arms that would somehow put on a bit of bulk after doing months of weights. fat that would somehow find itself in the right places.

i could be more patient, more understanding.
i could really listen better - both literally and metaphorically.
i could have definite goals in my life.
i could be proud, strong, an ever-present shoulder for friends to rely on.

i'd be up at the crack of dawn, pounding the streets.
i'd be smart and savvy, never saying the wrong word, never letting awkward silence reign, always giving the right advice, a better view.
i'd be admired for my views, loved by all and sundry.
i'd never make anyone feel small, and i'd never let anyone make me feel small.

i'd change the world.
i'd have a great bond with my family.
i'd be surrounded with a small group of buddies, chilling at a neighbourhood kopi-tiam, not just dreaming things and laughing the night away, but plotting the next revolution.

i'd not just listen to music, but to understand it.
i'd not just have a house, i'd have a home.
i'd know the best places in town and out of town.
i'll always be able to make good, better.

i'd not just read, but be well-read.
i'd not just know people, i'd have real, dependable friends.
i'd never feel tired, cos i'd be doing all the things i want in this world.
and when i expire, i'd do so with a satisfied smile on my lips.
--

but somehow time never seems to be on my side. i wonder how all those people who live such wonderful lives - at least on the outside - do it. keep trim and fit (run triathlons!). find time to learn more and more. perform outstandingly at work. say the same things as i do but somehow being able to get their point across, to make another's eyebrows arch and to elicit a nod of a head in understanding. have friends, not many, but enough to always rely on.

but here i am on a saturday night, existing and being Me. being all the things i'd rather not. having all the things i could give up in an instant, cos they just don't seem worth it anymore.