Listening to: The Cranberries - Linger

I'm sitting here and thinking: "I can make a movie out of my life, one of those kitschy local movies, ala-The Teenage Textbook Movie, throw in some music..."

I feel for Ah Zhu. I do. I guess now I am finally beginning to comprehend the method to her madness... can finally comprehend her endless angst, sleepness nights, tears like an ocean. How ironic. I feel so detached from it all, not able to enter that place where all-things-begin-and-end... I'm standing outside, looking in, at her... I still care.

But it's all ruined.

LN. Dear LN. 'All-or-nothing-at-all' comes to mind... what have I done? If I had not done it, if I had forsook my principles for once... perhaps, maybe, we'd still be friends. Maybe. I'll never know. Maybe it'd have went all sour anyway, once those fateful word had left her mouth. Perhaps. In either case, the friendship I ask from anybody is sometimes more than they can give - almost an imposible thing for an ex-girlfriend of mine to give. I want to shake her and ask, 'Why this indolence? Why this indifference to life?' But it's her, of all people. I wish I would stop caring, but can I? I can't, not out of responsibility.. but...

After Ah Zhu, scratching her veneer doesn't seem so humanly impossible after all.

I believe I've given up on Pk². I love her, yes, but every time I see her I find something different, something I didn't notice before... escapism on her part? Or just that that's where our relationship began and ended - raw primal passion - directed to me, possibly otherwise, devoid of clear purpose... What do I mean? It seems we never talked about friend things... all we did was go out, have fun... is that the be-all-and-end-all-of-life? I question the vestiges of our friendship. Was there ever one? Is what I have now what I've always aspired to, the one thing 'undefined, only to be seen by the eyes of the blind' ? Or am I right in thinkng that there is more to life than this... to me, her mind and heart remains closed... impenetrable, though at times it seems so open, oh so innocently deceivingly open...