Life, all tangled up

Listening to: When It Comes To Love - Bryan Duncan

i saw you briefly, last evening. tea helped, a bit. i felt you wanted to close that door at the end, and rightly so too, i guess. No more your fight or need to be involved beyond what you've already advised me. a chapter in your life, to close.

i slept unsoundly again; another one of those nights, countless ones i've had this year where i'll wake up, feeling a bit ill, unsettled.

i had a selfish thought, that i wished you could have said certain things last night, or showed some affection. but i know that's not the way it is; there's no magic bullet or words or sentences that would suddenly make everything right, that would make my path ahead clear. cos if there were, i would perhaps know the right things to have say and said too; the right things to have done and do; the affection that i wanted to show but didn't, cos i didn't. wasted moments. who knew how life would have turned out?

i feel these few months agonizing over work have brought back into focus, life.

as i said last evening, i guess that despite what i have - more than a lot of people - i still feel unhappy or depressed. maybe it's a personality issue. maybe that's why it all didn't work out - or was that what you told me previously? that it was a key reason why we didn't work. That was what you said, earlier this year, I think.

I think I said too, that perhaps with almost all other people I've met, I never felt the same difficulty communicating. But then again, I've also never had that unquiet and sad feeling and wonder why things never could work out. "We are built differently and we probably feel differently toward things like this"; I know. I feel less sad when with others, but then, I don't dream the same sort of dreams with others that I dreamt, with and of you. 

"it is the unrealistic part of me. You are much more practical." let me be unpractical, even if just for this moment.

this old christian song from an album i had, came to mind this morning. i sat in the quietness, and just teared, for a moment. "Sometimes I am saddened by that"; I am, too. Let me be selfish and self-centred, to grieve first over my circumstances of my own creation. But also grieve over all that is lost. 

"No one else I loved - and love more... but.. couldn't figure out a way to be and live with."

..
when it comes to love
you're gonna
cry a little
hurt a little
feel a little pain in your heart
laugh a little
care a lot
take a look at what you got
cause we're only human
we make mistakes
but you're gonna live to see another day
so do what you gotta
do what you gotta do