Dear friend... Thu 14th February
Dear friend/s, sometimes I just refuse to explain what I say, 'cos I see no necessity to... what do I mean? Well... sometimes I say something unpleasant or sad, once, then that's it. I've spat it out... I'll try not to say it ever again... 'cos you're my friend and all I ever want to do is to be happy for you... life is too short to remain stuck in our miseries... though I seem to be taking an abnormally long time to get over them...

3: We had no communication whatsoever on V-day...

2: Had dinner with some friends... and an ex- was there... seemingly oblivious to my presence the whole night. Was it too hurting to see me on V-Day without you? Are you still trying to get over it? Or have you realized that there's more to life than just me?... unbidden thoughts came to me... another friend later mentioned to me that she felt things between me and that girl were getting better, but I didn't agree... fine, I'm being selfish. I want us to remain good friends in spite of all that has happened... idealistic and nigh impossible looking at our disparate personalities... have realized that I have the same character flaw as her - feel angry/sad/disappointed when she talks to other people but not me...

1: With many girls I know it seems to be a matter of all or nothing... either I'm there for them, and them alone - or we remain as distant / uncontactable as possible. It's generally something I have come to accept, so I just stay clear of matters of heart and hope for the best... but sometimes someone comes along that you can't put down as easily, or if you let the person go you feel this incredibly great sense of emptiness... I've seem to be given a chance at one such person again... but I wonder whether I would choose to do it out of obligation, out of need, or out of love? I'm so afraid that if I don't say yes, we'll drift back to being distant friends again, faceless people across the internet lines, voiceless people communicating through parcels, tearful people who would never send letters to each other for fear that tears would drop on the pages... but if I do say yes... well... world come crashing down... and is she really more important to me than anyone, and everyone, I hold so dear in the world? I can't say that at all... right now I'm missing everybody I have ever loved...

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I have a picture pinned to my wall
An image of you and of me
And we were laughing with love in it all

Look at our life now tattered and torn
Fussing and fighting delighting with tears
And we cry until dawn